Alone

Alone? I guess I am, which is a striking revelation for someone accustomed to believing otherwise. I know that, ever since I bought my house, it seems like I am alone, knocking about through these hallways and rooms. But I'll never stop trying to make connections. I know that I must learn to be with myself, to appreciate myself...I can do that. But there's also a point where it all has to connect. But I'm sure that there is a person out there who is willing to try to make that connection, too, someone who isn't satisfied with life in its normal, safe mode. Great risk, I know. But worth it. The alternative, of course, is to go back to how it used to be, if that's possible...but is it really an alternative worth exploring? For me, no.

I'd rather put in the effort to live the life that will make me happy than be a corpse, even if martyring my own happiness for the happiness of others was the alternative. Inherently, if I'm not happy myself, then the happiness I make for others is somewhat of a sham. Sure, everyone else feels good (I guess that part is true), but at what cost? Will my kids love me more for the lie I lead, or will they just be sad later when they realize what I gave up for them? And who is really to say that by subverting my own joy for the facade of whatever I once had that it will guarantee their acceptance, happiness, love, forgiveness? I'm banking on the fact that my kids will recognize the joy I find as a sign that I did the right thing for them, but I'm an optimist. They may just hate me for whatever ends up happening. Who knows?

I'm a big kid now (easy to say at forty), so game on.